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Jun
11
Guilt
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I haven’t been writing for a while that I almost forgot how to write. Now it is 1:20AM in the morning, that I just cannot sleep. I have been struggling with this writer’s life that puts me in isolation of the men/women. This morning my daughter had a play date with one of her best friends at Huntington Library. The mother happens to be another freelancer who taught me a few things on how to build a social life regardless. I almost wanted to cry since it is so encouraging that I felt a grim of hope that I may have been just adjusting and haven’t got a grip of it. I felt envious about her taking the time explaining to her daughter about flowers while I couldn’t quite enjoy the moment but only let my thoughts flow into another region. When we came back from the lunch, we were so exhausted. I got into my computer and my daughter got into her TV program. Phone calls one after another and I just let the time float and it burnt almost three hours of TV time for my daughter. I felt totally trapped into this dark hole that I couldn’t get myself out and felt profusely guilty of not being a good mother for my daughter.
Let go, God whispers, let go. There is nothing I couldn’t take care of. Come rest in me, my dear daughter. Come that my wings will comfort you. Your daughter will understand and there is tomorrow. Go to sleep and I will be with you. My eyes are in tears, is that you God? Speaking to me in these little voices? Yes, it is me, my precious daughter, may you sleep like an angel and wake up with energy and a discipline that carries you to an uplifting day. Thank you, God.