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Jun
8
Investigation of Intent
Filed Under Life
“Stop!” I warned my daughter when she again called me “stupid.” This phenomenon has lasted for a few months now and I just cannot stop her bad behavior. I feel much less respected in the family since she never calls her dad bad names, and I wonder why she hates me so much. I also have ponded about my behavior and have asked myself whether it is related to anything I have modeled incorrectly, for example, whether I have treated my parents respectfully or not. After all the searching, I decide to accept the reality as it is and call it a “phase,” a certain developmental period for kids.
Much unexpectedly, my husband decided to step in this time. I wonder whether it had anything to do with the talk I had with him a short time ago about Heidi’s education and discipline (our daughter)? Regardless, he opened with “Heidi, why do you call mommy ‘stupid’?” in a very gentle, non-accusing tone. Instead of using her usual loud voice when confronted, Heidi’s voice started to disappear into her bowing head “I call mommy stupid because I want to talk to mommy…she doesn’t talk to me when I am playing…she only talks to me when I call her stupid…”
I almost wanted to cry when I realized the little girl wanted a conversation with me so desperately “I am sorry…” I said. Though surprised by how articulate she was at age four, I was more touched by the real reason behind her bad behavior. In the next few hours, I started to engage in Heidi’s various activities by observing her progress and talking to her. In one of the cooking activities, I mentioned “Heidi, thank you for letting me know why you called me bad names.” Pause. Heidi looked at me:”I am sorry…Mommy.”
One of my mentors in life has told me the intent is more important than the content. Simple as it may sound, we are often fooled by the content. Decisions are made and judgements are passed based on the content. If we have invested a little time to gently ask about the intent, maybe a few conclusions need to be re-drawn. Do we lack of the time, or does the habit of fast judgement sink in whenever situation arises? Or maybe both…the need to rush things through in the name of time saving and the old habit toward the focus of content?
“Heidi!” I raised my voice when I tripped over a pile of toys scattering on the floor. Slow down, I said to myself, and let’s see why she did this first, I reminded myself.
A new “phase” has begun.